Stefan 99 by melcantdrawrocks
Cosplayfucks.net reporting, bringing you all the worst of the
geekery
on the internet! This week, we’re featuring one oft-forgotten
subculture,
whose members plague forums everywhere with their pseudo-intellectual
essays and gigantic text filled with capitals and 1337. One word: gamers.
ON THE INTERNET.
Not only are they the pimple-faced, sunlight-detesting, middle-aged,
basement-dwelling
rejects of the real world, they are also the
pimple-faced, sunlight-detesting,
middle-aged, basement-dwelling rejects
of the online world, except this
time they have large penises, if only in
electronic form.
During my brief foray into the world of MMORPG’s (Massive Multiplayer
Online Role-Playing Games, or my personal name for it, That Dark Corner
of the Internet Where Self-Interest and Guys Pretending to be Girls
Pretending
to be Lesbians Pretending to be Guys Reign Supreme
[TDCIWSIGPGPLPGRP]),
I have discovered that yes, indeed, people who
pay money to play these
kinds of games online are in fact crazy and
completely socially inept.
And in this crazy, mixed-up, online world, even
guys like this can get
all the ladies…although they might not really be
ladies.
Final Fantasy XI is not your run-of-the-mill online game, on pure basis
of
it's origin – the mythical land of the rising cherry blossom coloured
sushi-eating sun. Because it has the HOLYHELLJAPANESE “Final Fantasy”
title, it does not simply attract acne-ridden boys and beergut-bearing
virgins. It attracts panty-sniffing acne-ridden boys and beer gut-bearing
virgins
with Asian Fetishes. Take, for example, this guy, and his “mithra”
character:
The Resemblance is Uncanny!
Note: For privacy purposes, I have changed this guy’s name…but not really.
This is Stefan. Stefan, like any average gamer, likes to pretend he is
a hot
woman in online games. Whether this is a homosexual tendency or
a trap
for gamer lesbians*, no one knows, but either way, the result is
two equally
horny guys cybering each other with their catgirl characters.
*A typical gamer lesbian:
An actual gamer lesbian:
Although it turns out this chick was faking. Either way, half the population
is in trouble.
But Stefan is not known for his sassy and flirtatious catgirl in the online
world. Rather, Stefan is the mildly well-known founder of CammyFan.com,
a blindingly un-navigable fansite dedicated to none other than Cammy from
the Street Fighter series.
Hey guys check out this pic of me and my girlfriend ^_^
To show you the full extent of this guy’s mental deficiencies, here are
some
choice quotes straight from the catgirl-guy-thing’s mouth. For those
of you
who don’t speak catgirl-guy-thing-ese, I’ve provided you with my
own translation.
Taken directly from Stefan's
Profile :
Likes :
Cammy, girls with pigtails, comics, anime, reading, history, milk, stormy
weather, dachshunds (wiener dogs), Japan, the smell of lemons (especially
Lemon Pledge), talk radio. I'm incredibly curious, so there are so many
things I wanna do, learn, and experience. [Translation: He's a
virgin that wants to have sex with a Japanese girl who wears pigtails
and smells like lemons.]
Political Affiliation
Anything that goes against the Democrats and the people of the left wing.
I'm for anyone that pushes for more freedom, more personal responsibility,
and less government. [Translation: He knows jackshit about politics.]
Greatest Day of my life
September 1, 1996. That's the day I got my beloved Cammy stand-up, and
it's also the day Gamest magazine released the news that Shadowloo Cammy
had been created and would appear in X-Men vs Street Fighter. It was a
beautiful end-of-summer day, and I was in Osaka, Japan. Life was good!
A close #2 was the Fall 1999 Tokyo Game Show. I'll never forget the moment
I walked into the exhibition hall (the first of 3) and saw ALL that stuff!
I got choked up, and almost started crying because it was so awesome.
And, I met 14 Cammy cosplayers at that show too!!! ^_^ [No comment
needed.]
But if that was not enough to scare you, here are some pictures of his
room,
which he posted in order to boast the extent of his collection.
Needless to say,
he definitely amazed us, although probably not in the
way that he wanted to.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the bed that no woman has
ever (or will ever, for that matter) touched. Other than
maybe his mom…and
the cardboard cutout of Cammy
does not count.
In addition, Stefan shares his infinite wisdom about everything related
to our
Oriental friends in his weekly “Japanese Fun Facts”. Whether it’s
about crows or
KFC or Memoirs of a Geisha, you will find Stefan to be
the unbiased and highly
educational number one resource for learning about
the land of the rising sun.
A few excerpts:
“In the Memoirs of a Geisha movie, the very 1st thing I noticed was
that the actresses weren't Japanese! Not all Asian people look alike.
I'm sure almost nobody else would notice that, but it really stood out
to me. I wonder how Japan is gonna react to the movie? So, how did I know?
How do Japanese people look? Ugh, it very hard to explain because the
differences are so subtle! And there are a lot of times that you really
can't tell. But generally speaking I think Japanese peoples' faces are
kinda round and more chubby. I don't think the features, especially the
chin and cheekbones are as well defined. Geisha esepcially are known for
having that really round face, so it stood out even more in the movie,
and that's why it's such a big deal to me.”
[All Asians look alike. Period. End of discussion.]
“For a while now China has been asking Japan to apologize for what
it did during WW2. However, Japan refuses. Why? Everybody knows what they
did, and how brutal they were... I'm not totally sure, but I'm guessing
that the Japanese government of totday will not apologize for what the
previous rulers did over 60 years ago. It's not their place to apologize
for another regime, and furthermore, I think they think it's a silly mind
game that China's trying to play, so they won't go along with it. It's
been over 60 years, and a few words aren't gonna change what happened
way back then. To be honest, I don't blame Japan. I'm sure they are sorry,
and there's NO doubt they've totally changed, but I don't like what's
happening now, and I'm sure they don't either. (never trust communists!
LOL)”
[How dare China have the nerve to ask for an apology for the rape of
Nanking!
It happened years ago, China! Get over it! Stop trying to play
your crazy
Chinese mind games! Besides, those Japanese are so kawaii
desu ne can’t
you just find it in your cold black communist hearts to
forgive them??]
So there you have it. One of the many insane members of the TDCIWSIGPGPLPGRP
world. A 6’7” Republican who pretends to be a hot (lesbian) catgirl in
the online
world, adores “Hi-Hi Puffy AmiYumi”, and has a massive shrine
dedicated to a video
game character. I would say he has an Asian Fetish,
but it is clear that it applies
solely to Japan, since those damn Commies
are responsible for not only bullying
Japan, but also producing Chun Li,
that rank whore. How dare she break
Cammy’s heart in that latest fanfic???
>:O
[Hey Ladies, I’m single, who wants to mingle?]
For more of CammyFan’s hilarious tl;dr verbal diarrhea, which include
rants about Democrats, Environmentalists, Hollywood, Chun Li, Chun Li
and McDonald’s,
why Cammy is better than Chun Li, and why Cammy is better
than McDonald’s,
please visit Stefan's
Weekly Rant
Also notable is his explanation on why it’s okay for those Kawaii Japanese
to
cosplay Nazis: Stefan's
Japanese Fun Facts
And as a bonus, Stefan’s own Memoirs of a Geisha! (Worry not, at the end
of the day, he will still be a virgin and white.) More
Japanese Fun Facts